Frasier Quotes

1: Don Juan in Hell, Part One:

Frasier and his family are still with Claire (Patricia Clarkson) in Belize. Niles and Martin think Claire is wonderful (although Daphne resents this), but Frasier is troubled by a dream he had about Lana (Jean Smart), and wonders if he is with the right woman. On returning to Seattle, he meets a man at a lost luggage office who is torn between two women, and who asks Frasier's advice as a psychiatrist. Frasier says he must consider whom he would spend the rest of his life with, prompting him to choose his ex-wife over his new woman. This sets Frasier thinking, and on returning to his apartment he finds Claire and breaks up with her, to the indignation of the rest of his family (and also Daphne, surprisingly).

2: Don Juan in Hell, Part Two:

Frasier attends Kirby's graduation party with Roz, hoping to discuss his feelings with Lana, but is astonished when the man from the luggage office also turns up. It turns out that this man is Kirby's father, who left Lana for his dental hygienist. Now he wants her back, acting on Frasier's advice. Lana throws him out, and then retires to her bedroom. Kirby begs Frasier to talk to her, and in the end he takes the honorable course by advising Lana to talk to Bob, since she clearly still has feelings for him. Returning home later in a state of distress, Frasier finds his family totally unsympathetic, and something Martin says particularly upsets him: "It's not easy coming up with happy talk every time you can't make it work with a woman." Frasier takes a drive by himself to think about this, and his thoughts manifest themselves on screen as a discussion between him, his former partners Diane, ex-wives Lilith, and Nanette Guzman, and even his late mother, as he searches for a reason why his relationships often fail.

3: The First Temptation of Daphne:

While looking for a recipe in Niles' briefcase for him, Daphne mistakenly opens a file containing case notes for one of his patients. She discovers that this woman, Heather, is in love with Niles. He explains that transference is common among psychiatric patients, but also insists that he cannot discuss any specific case. Daphne, however, is tormented by curiosity, and Roz encourages her to find out more about this woman, even going so far to visit her at her work. This involves another visit into Niles' briefcase, entailing a breach of confidentiality that could jeopardise his entire career if it were known. Martin returns from a fruitless hunting trip, and Frasier is horrified to discover that he has unknowingly brought a cricket with him into the apartment.

4: The Return of Martin Crane:

Martin is about to start a new job as a security guard, and the occasion dredges up memories of the fateful day years ago when he was shot. These memories appear in flashback: while out on patrol with his partner Frank, he pleads with Martin to pull into a convenience store so he can get a slushie. Martin ultimately gives in and pulls into the parking lot of a store that was being robbed. Martin walked in at the wrong time and got shot. Frasier has ordered a special congratulatory cake, which Roz delivers. Meanwhile, Niles has bought Daphne tickets to a Billy Joel concert for that evening, and she has bought him tickets to a festival of Mongolian throat-singing, also for that evening.

5: Love Stinks:

Frasier feels dejected one morning when he discovers a graffiti poem about him on the restroom wall at work, calling him a snob. He decides to host a party for the entire station in an attempt to get to know everyone better. He asks Roz to invite her new boyfriend, Roger, but she claims that she thinks Roger would be uncomfortable with the people at the party. Later, Roz feels upset after the break-up with Roger and admits to still being in love with him, although she cannot get past the issue of his job.

6: Room Full of Heroes:

Frasier is holding a Halloween fancy-dress party, which he is attending dressed as Sigmund Freud; the theme is that the guests arrive dressed as their personal heroes. Martin is dressed as Joe DiMaggio, Daphne as Elton John, and Roz arrives dressed as Wonder Woman, claiming she thought it was a superhero theme party. Niles arrives last, dressed as Martin, who is thrilled and touched by the gesture. But Frasier is aghast and feels that Niles is blatantly attempting to show him up and curry favour with Martin. Frasier has devised a party game: in character as their hero, each player draws a slip of paper with a question or situation, and must act out their hero's response in character. Its appeal wanes fast, and the party degenerates into drinking.

7: Bla-Z-Boy:

Over breakfast one morning, Martin happens to comment to Frasier that the day marks the eighth anniversary of the day that Martin moved in with him. The revelation makes Frasier unusually touchy, and this worsens when Martin accidentally spills oil over the carpet when trying to remedy a squeak in his recliner; Frasier irrationally views the accident as a deliberate act of hostility on Martin's part. He moves the furniture onto the balcony while the carpet is replaced, and the chair, positioned underneath a telescope in direct sunlight, catches fire. When the brothers notice, their efforts to put it out only serve to knock the chair off the balcony. Daphne has expressed an interest in playing the piano, so Niles offers to give her lessons.

8: The Two-Hundredth Episode:

Frasier is celebrating two thousand editions of his show at KACL, with a guest appearance from Bill Gates, who ends up taking several calls about Microsoft products. Returning home afterward, Frasier opens a bedroom cupboard full of cassette tape recordings of his shows. Just after adding the two thousandth edition to his collection, he notices that one of the tapes is missing. He calls in Niles, Martin and Daphne to find out who is responsible. Daphne confesses that she borrowed the tape and accidentally broke it. This prompts Frasier to broadcast an appeal to anyone who has a recording of the missing show. Niles becomes worried how the incomplete nature of his brother's collection is affecting him. When station listener Tom calls in to say he has a taped copy of the episode Frasier, he and Niles get a first-hand experience of fan obsession.

9: Sharing Kirby:

Kirby Gardner applies for an internship at KACL. Frasier pretends that Kirby has not been offered the job. Meanwhile, Niles has acquired a case of Château Haut-Brion that he refuses to share, and Frasier suggests his brother employ Kirby to help rearrange his library, as a form of revenge. It turns out that Kirby knows the granddaughter of the reclusive William Mulvehill, the owner of an impressive wine collection, and through Kirby he discovers that Mulvehill will allow one visitor to the wine cellar. Frasier soon finds out about this, and the brothers subsequently compete at doing favors for Kirby, in the hope of being selected as that visitor.

10: Junior Agent:

The Seattle radio airwaves have a new star psychiatrist: Dr. Zach, a doctor from whom Frasier differs entirely. Dr. Zach's brand of radio is, as Frasier describes it, "suggestive smarmy sleaze", but it has become very popular. Kenny suggests Frasier emulate him a little to improve the ratings. Frasier prefers the idea of raising the advertising budget; Kenny disagrees. This prompts Frasier to contact Bebe, but upon arriving at her office, he learns that her newest client is Dr. Zach himself. She passes Frasier on to her former assistant, Portia Sanders, who has become a "full-fledged junior agent". Martin attempts to avoid a medical examination by asking Niles to write a prescription for him. Niles refuses to violate his ethics, so Martin devises a plan by which he hopes to force his hand.

11: Bully For Martin:

Frasier discovers that Martin's supervisor at work, Rich, is treating him badly. Frasier decides to speak to the owner of the security company, who also happens to be Rich's son, and in order to ensure that their conversation remains confidential, he agrees to hire a bodyguard on a trial basis from the company. Meanwhile, Roz is boring everyone by talking endlessly about how well her relationship with Roger is going.

12: Mother Load, Part One:

Frasier is furious when he finds his parking space in Elliott Bay Towers encroached upon by the new SUV belonging to Cam Winston, his neighbor and nemesis. He takes the case to the condo board, and is delighted when his impassioned oration persuades them to rule that Cam must park in the sub-basement. However, Cam lives in the apartment above Frasier's, and he devises a suitable method of revenge, involving the American flag. Niles asks Daphne to move in with him, and she eagerly accepts, but when she receives a phonecall from her mother announcing an impending visit, she asks that the move be postponed. When Gertrude Moon arrives, she turns up with Daphne's brother, Simon.

13: Mother Load, Part Two:

Daphne's father has walked out, and all her brothers except Simon support him. Her mother, Gertrude, continues to stay with Niles, but eventually Frasier grows tired of hosting Simon and throws him out. After unsuccessfully asking Roz for help, Simon decides to go and visit some friends in California, leaving Daphne to look after her mother. Cam Winston has completely obscured Frasier's view out of his apartment by hanging an American flag down over the balcony. In the end, Cam offers Frasier a deal: in return for moving the flag, he wants Frasier's parking space.

14: Juvenilia:

Kenny announces to Frasier and Roz that some recent research into KACL listeners shows that Frasier's average listener is an older gentleman who keeps the radio on for company. He suggests Frasier reach out to the youth, by appearing on Teen Scene. Meanwhile, Niles decides to steal a street sign with Daphne's name on it as a romantic gesture, and Martin kissed a woman named Peg at a work party. He insists that it was nothing special, but nevertheless spends a few days waiting by the telephone in case she calls.

15: The Proposal:

Niles is planning to propose to Daphne, and he wants everything to be just perfect. Frasier helps him to choose a ring; Roz advises him on what to say; and even Martin takes part in the wine-tasting, although after several glasses he discovers why, when Niles asks him to take Daphne's mother out for the evening. He reluctantly agrees, and has to spend the evening fending off Gertrude's amorous advances. Meanwhile, while Frasier and Niles are arranging everything at Niles' apartment, and Wolfgang Puck is preparing dinner for them, Daphne arrives in a terrible state and announces that she has the flu. Suddenly, Frasier has to smuggle numerous participants out of the apartment unseen, but Niles soon realises that the event itself need not be postponed. Ultimately, Niles proposes to Daphne and she accepts, and they both spend time together despite her being ill.

16: Wheels of Fortune:

Lilith's half-brother, Blaine Sternin, has come to Seattle. Frasier remembers him as an expert con-man, who sold him futures in kelp and stole a valuable salt server from him years ago. He is now resolutely determined not to fall for any more scams. Blaine turns up at his door in a wheelchair, announcing that he had a car accident which left him paralysed from the waist down. He claims to have had a deep religious conversion and seen the error of his ways, and to be working now as a preacher. He returns the salt server and asks Frasier for forgiveness. Niles, Martin and Daphne are all convinced, but not Frasier, and he refuses to rest until everyone else realises what a charlatan this man is. After he embarrasses himself trying to prove Blaine is a fake, Frasier concedes and forgives him, only to find out later that his instincts were right and that Blaine was faking the whole time when he finds an empty wheelchair outside his apartment.

17: Three Blind Dates:

Niles, Daphne and Roz feel sorry for Frasier when he tells them that he will be attending an art exhibition alone one evening. They realise that he has not had a proper relationship since Claire, and conspire to see if they can find suitable women for him to date. Niles suggests a former patient of his, Lisa, who has several interests in common with Frasier. He tries to engineer circumstances in which they could meet by chance, taking Frasier along to the bookstore which she owns, but without success. Roz then brings an artistic friend of hers called Susanna to dinner at Frasier's apartment, but she and Frasier have a disagreement over the work of Benjamin Locklear. Finally, Martin puts Frasier in touch with a young woman called Kris, whom Frasier finds very attractive, but during their pre-dinner drinks at her favourite bar she starts playing pool with some friends and her attention disappears from Frasier almost completely. It is only when she sends him next door to get some change that his fortunes begin to improve.

18: War of the Words:

Frederick is due to compete in the National Spelling Championship, and Frasier has been training him very thoroughly, even in stance and diet. Frederick does extremely well in the spelling bee, and is crowned National Champion. However, the parents of the runner-up notice an anomaly when watching the recording: it seems that Frasier was unconsciously mouthing the letters of the final word as Frederick spelled it out. The trophy is then reawarded to the runner-up, Warren Clayton, but Frederick and Frasier are still invited to the finalists' banquet, where they are subjected to taunts and accusations of cheating. Frederick will not tolerate his father being called a cheater, and challenges Warren to a rematch.

19: Deathtrap:

The first scene of this episode is a flashback to Frasier and Niles as schoolchildren, stealing a skull from the school science laboratory to use in a production of Hamlet. The Cranes' old family house is up for sale, and Frasier and Niles decide to pay it another visit, wondering if it would be worth purchasing and turning into a bed and breakfast. The owner, Mr. Lasskopf, has no memory of them, but Martin remembers that he never returned their security deposit. The brothers soon realise that the house is too small to be a bed and breakfast, but then they remember that there is a memory chest hidden under a loose floorboard, so they return secretly after dark to find it. First, however, they find a human skull, and leap to the conclusion that they have stumbled upon an unsolved murder, involving Mrs. Lasskopf.

20: The Love You Fake:

Frasier's feud with Cam Winston has reignited after a leak in Frasier's apartment has been traced to Cam's washer dryer, leading Frasier to bribe the building's handyman to cut off Cam's water supply. Cam then comes down to complain, and seeing Eddie rather unwell and discovering Frasier's dislike of him, suggests that his mother, a vet who happens to be staying with him, could help out. Everyone gets along well with Cam's mother, except Frasier, who sees it as consorting with the enemy. Cam is none too pleased either at his mother talking to someone from Frasier's apartment. Martin and Cam's mother decide the time has come for Frasier and Cam to reconcile, so they decide to pretend they are a couple. This causes Frasier and Cam to come to some agreement via a treaty. Niles is conducting an experiment with a new contraption, the Segway, and is annoying everyone by refusing to share it. Daphne wants a washer dryer in the apartment.

21: Cheerful Goodbyes:

Frasier, Martin, Niles and Daphne are in Boston for a conference that Frasier and Niles will attend. They encounter Frasier's old friend Cliff Clavin (John Ratzenberger) at the airport bar, who thinks Frasier is in town for his retirement party before he moves to Florida, and end up going along to the party with him before dinner.

22: Frasier From Spokane:

Frasier's show has been picked up by a station in Spokane, and he excitedly announces that he and Roz have been invited there by the station to do their first show from Spokane. Once off air, he also learns from Roz that she and Roger have broken up. Frasier is determined to show the local audience his brand of therapy can help, and so convinces Roz to call in with a problem. Originally Roz improvises and says she is afraid of the dark. But Frasier delves deeper into the problem and this soon develops into him resolving Roz's feeling of loss and emptiness over the break-up with Roger. Meanwhile, Martin, Niles and Daphne work together to try to build a TV table.

23: The Guilt Trippers, Part One:

It is Daphne's birthday which culminates in everyone giving Daphne her presents. This leads to Frasier and Roz spending the evening in conversation. However, both of them get a shock the next morning when they realize they slept together. Niles flies to England and try to convince Daphne's father to come to Seattle and reconcile with Daphne's mother, while Frasier flies to see Roz in Wisconsin. Martin has a new robot dog.

24: Moons Over Seattle, Part Two:

Daphne's father agrees to go to see Daphne, but Gertrude is furious and upset. Harry decides to return to England, while Gertrude plans to make her permanent home in America. Overwhelmed by how much Niles is prepared to do to make her wishes come true, Daphne shows up on Niles' doorstep late that night and asks him to marry her immediately. Without a word, Niles leads her out of the apartment.